Zero Stars Hall of Fame

The West End Whingers are proud to host the UK “Zero Stars Hall of Fame”, the repository of theatrical ignominy.

This archive is the official (as far as we are concerned) register of London shows that have received zero-star ratings in reviews written by critics in the mainstream media.

Do please alert us (you can use the comments box below) to any that you come across so that we make this page a comprehensive resource for theatre historians of the future. You will, of course, receive full credit as an Archive Assistant for your pains.

Flamen’ka

Theatre: Lyric
Reviewer: Sarah Frater
Organ: London Evening Standard
Date: 23 September 2008

“The acting was universally woeful, and the two brothers looked more like EastEnders’ Grant and Phil Mitchell than the erotic heroes they wanted to be. Worse still was Karen Ruimy, who devised the show. She mooches around narrating the action and wishing she looked like Penelope Cruz (she doesn’t). What she does do is sing very, very badly.” Full review here.

Badac Theatre’s The Factory

Theatre: Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh
Reviewer: Ian Shuttleworth (NB This is Ian’s first ever 0-star rating,  awarded for reasons that are quite apparent from the article and comments here)
Organ: Financial Times
Date:13 Aug 2008

Archive assistant: Ian Shuttleworth

“This intended indictment of a complacently abusive system which took no account of others as autonomous beings was in fact exhibiting the same thoughtlessness and contempt. Never in my theatre- going life have I seen such a complete misunderstanding of the status of the audience, or theatrical values so utterly and perniciously inverted.” Full review here.

Peter Pan – El Musical

Theatre: Garrick
Reviewer: Lyn Gardner
Organ: The Guardian
Date: 2 April 2008

Archive assistant: Arthur

“An awfully big misadventure, this Spanish mauling of JM Barrie’s masterpiece flies into the Garrick and crash-lands belly up. There are no survivors. Such is the mind-boggling awfulness of this family show, performed in Spanish with inept English surtitles, that you wish the Lost Boys had not shot at Wendy but taken aim at this great white elephant and finished it off instead. My youngest daughter – a stoic survivor of such theatrical catastrophes as Fireman Sam Live on Stage and The Man in the Iron Mask – refused point blank to return with me after the interval.” Full review here.

An Audience with the Mafia

Theatre: Apollo
Reviewer: Lyn Gardner
Organ: The Guardian
Date: 28 January 2008

Archive assistant: Natasha Tripney

“He shows absolutely no mercy for the English language. His stresses and pronunciation are so murderous, it’s as if he is conducting a personal vendetta against the spoken word. If the script, a stupendously dull mismatch of gore, conspiracy and high romanticism, is delivered with all the animation of the speaking clock, the Mercy Man’s arms make up for it. They are like demented windmills. When he says “me” or “I”, he points at himself; when he says the word “think”, he points at his head. Presumably to check that it’s still there.” Full review here

The Dorchester

Theatre: Jermyn Street Theatre
Reviewer: Sam Marlow
Organ: The Times
Date: 20 November 2007
Archive assistant: Ian Shuttleworth

“Lynda Baron’s production is cack-handed and badly acted, but it scarcely matters. Dire.” Full review here

The Bicycle Men

Theatre: King’s Head
Reviewer: Lyn Gardner
Organ: The Guardian
Date: 12 November 2007
Archive assistant: Ian Shuttleworth

“I was saddle sore after the first 10 minutes and desperately in need of banned substances to endure the relentless toilet humour.” Full review here

Menopause The Musical

Theatre: The Shaw Theatre
Reviewer: Lyn Gardner
Organ: The Guardian
Date: 20 April 2007

“Offering less of a rosy glow and more of a long cold douche of the soul, Menopause the Musical is the least competent and most cynical piece of theatre to hit London since the Blue Man Group. It makes me think quite fondly of The Vagina Monologues, a show so ghastly that it made my vagina try and leave the theatre entirely unaided by my legs in protest at the drivel inflicted on women in the name of empowerment.” Full review here

Songs My Mother Taught Me (Lorna Luft)

Theatre: Savoy Theatre
Reviewer: Alastair Macaulay
Organ: FT.com
Date: 7 July 2004
Archive assistant: Ian Shuttleworth

“Though she tells us, in her loud way, that an inner voice has told her to keep the flame of her mother’s legend alive, she knows perfectly well that Garland’s furnace-like flame scarcely needs any fanning. Obviously, Luft is trying to cash in on Mommie Dearest’s lustre – which would be fine if she herself were remotely interesting as either a singer or a narrator.” Full review here