Really Old, Like Moira Stuart

Just what is the similarity between the Whingers and National Treasure in-the-making Moira Stuart? Tough one isn’t it?

Well, it’s been a funny old 24 hours what with one thing and another. The West End Whingers’ call centre in India has been working overtime to handle all the media enquiries that have been zinging their way to them from everywhere from Australia to Ireland (well, actually only from Australia and Ireland) thanks to (let’s be honest) merely having come up with a mildly amusing gag: “Paint Never Dries”.

Just three little words. Certainly these are the only “three little words” the Whingers are likely to hear at their time of life. So, as the epithet pinged around the world through Nova Scotia, Spain, Germany, Seattle from New York to LA, from New York to LA, from New York to La – OOOHH! –  the Whingers felt decidedly puffed up and almost wanted, although perhaps not by Lord Andrew of Webber.

Juggling the numerous offers and after lengthy consultation with Max Clifford the upshot of it all was that the Munchkin-like Whingers found themselves interviewed on the pavement outside the Adelphi Theatre by the extremely tall Matt Smith (sadly no, not that Matt Smith) of Sky News and then again by ITN for the ITV News At Ten.

Despite us patiently explaining who we were and why we were there ITN’s “journalist” and idiot Phil Reay-Smith went on to describe the Whingers as “die hard Phantom fans”. Lawyers have been advised as this is clearly defamation of the most serious kind.

The BBC, meanwhile, described the Whingers as “some snippety wag”, but since we rather like that we’ll stick with our ITN lawsuit for now.

Coincidentally the Whingers also received a casual approach over the phone on the same day from a lady at the BBC who was looking for some bright young theatre reviewers in the 16-34 demographic and thought we were just what she was looking for. There was a slightly embarrassed pause and some rapid thinking through of options before Andrew fessed up to reveal that neither Whinger will see 34 again except on the front of  a bus (and even that is highly unlikely given that the 34 goes from Barnet to Walthamstow).

So there you go. Too old for TV. Like Moira Stuart. Again, lawyers have been instructed – age discrimination and injury to feelings. Oh! The injury!

Footnote

1. For cunning linguists out there: our plans for international expansion are thwarted somewhat by the fact that neither the “Paint Never Dries”/Love Never Dies gag nor the name “West End Whingers” seem to translate very readily:

En el blog especialista en teatro West End Whingers, rebautizaron la pieza como “Paint Never Dries” (“La pintura nunca se seca”). …

De West End Whinger’s Blog doopte de show al om tot Paint never dries. Lloyd Webber reageerde in The Guardian. ‘Try-outs tonen een werk in uitvoering. …

2. Don’t believe a word this man says about anything ever.