Clerihew fever

Monday 28 June 2010

No theatre today. Too hot.  No footballs.

Time to play theatrical clerihews instead.

Charles Spencer

Could probably be in MENSA

But his genius is hidden

Behind a pun he once made about Nicole Kidman.

Nicholas De Jongh

Was wrong

To sit in theatres semi-attired.

Thank heavens he retired.

Mark Shenton

Is hell bent on

Seeing every musical.

But that’s hardly news at all.

Of  Jenny Seagrove

It’s said that she strove

To marry Bill Kenwright

So she could have another hen night.

Rupert Goold


Kate Fleetwood

Because he could.

Och, Henry Hitchings’

Endless bitching

Would be funny.

Except he doesnae.

Sarah Hemming

Can be rhymed with anything.

But of rhymes for Ian Shuttleworth

There’s a Cyclopean subtle dearth.

Your turn.


92 Responses to “Clerihew fever”

  1. Michael Billington
    Is in the Guard-ing-ton
    Seeking plays with social meaning
    Particularly if they’re left leaning

  2. Paradise Found
    Just fails to astound.
    You know what I’m thinkin’?
    Yes. Mandy Patinkin.

  3. Felicity Kendal
    Chose to suspend all
    Ambition of career progression.
    She did Mrs Warren’s Profession.

  4. Lord Andrew Lloyds Slipper Sniffer Says:

    Tim Rice
    Some advice
    If you’d been at Andrew’s side
    Paint might have dried.

  5. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Tim Walker
    ‘s pronounced many a corker
    But surely no crit above par would
    So idolise Ronald Harwood.

    Simon McBurney
    Will shortly return; he
    Has a technical army
    For his adaptation from Haruki Murakami.

    Andrew Upton
    May find it corruptin’
    that when he gets work by the avalanche, it
    ‘s because he’s Mr Cate Blanchett.

    Nicholas Hytner
    tries to put a frightener
    on Dead White Males
    but fails.

    Rupert Goold
    has been overruled:
    for Headlong’s next classical revival he’d like
    to put Kleist on a bike.

  6. David Cottis Says:

    Robert le Page
    Likes ‘avin it large.
    That’s why his plays
    Go on for days.

  7. David Cottis Says:

    Many uncles and aunts
    Would jump at the chance
    To cop a feel
    Of Simon Russell Beale.

  8. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Fiona Shaw
    likes nothing more
    than to plou–

    no, I can’t.

  9. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Nigel Havers’
    Career wavers
    Who’d a thought
    He’d play a Corrie escort?

  10. Orion Hunt Says:

    Kevin Spacey
    Has a face we
    All know from the big screen
    Or if we dogwalk on the park green.

  11. Kat Says:

    Oh bravo that man, bravo!

  12. David Cottis Says:

    Noel Coward and Terence Rattigan
    According to ‘1956 and All That’ by Rebellato, Dan,
    Are just two of the many gays
    Who wrote well-made plays.

  13. David Cottis Says:

    Rosamund Pike
    Is someone people like
    To look at; but her acting
    Is less attracting.

  14. Michael Grandage
    Choked on his sandwich
    Losing all decorum
    On first setting eyes on Christopher Oram.

    Had Michael Billington
    Lived at 12 Rillington
    Place the results would have been no less gorier
    As he would have been anyway out all day in various auditoria.

    Nica Burns
    So many pound coins from her restoration levy
    That her cardigan pockets get rather heavy.

    David Babani’s
    Chile con carne’s
    Reputedly very hot.
    Paradise Found was not.

  15. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Mark Rylance’s
    Acting stances
    Win constant plaudits
    While Sonia Friedman audits.

  16. Fifi Says:

    Oh Matthew Warchus
    ‘e do like a bit of raucous
    ‘specially if it’s very posh
    ‘n there’s plenty of dosh

  17. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Dame Julie Andrews
    Had fans in the O2’s
    Arena, till Simeon’s Gift
    Caused them to drift.

  18. Bev Says:

    The West End Whingers
    Are well-known bingers.
    They watch crappy theatre almost every night
    No wonder they get wound up and roll home very tight.

  19. Bev Says:

    David Babani
    He sure kissed the Blarney
    Stone. He’s cracked Broadway
    But his Menier actors he don’t pay

    …very much

  20. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Shirley Jones
    Struggled through “76 Trombones”
    At the Arts, though whilst hardly geriatric
    Her mistake was to bring along Patrick.

  21. Lord Andrew Lloyds Slipper Sniffer Says:

    La Bete scribe, David Hirson
    (For verse the only person)
    Knows now there’s competition
    From the Whingers cleri-dition

  22. Bev Says:

    Maria Friedman
    Will sing Steve like you need, man
    And if you stay past the interval
    You might catch some Bryn Terfel

  23. Meera Syal
    Was best by a mile
    At keeping it real
    Whilst cooking a meal.

  24. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Katie Mitchell
    Wonders which she’ll
    Do next
    Video or text?

  25. Certain members of the Royal Shakespeare Company
    Are rumoured to be ready to hump any
    Man, woman or goat that’s available. And what’s worse,
    They’ll do it while reciting blank verse.

  26. ms.marple investigates Says:

    Stephen Dillane
    ‘s throat is clearly in pain
    making his Prospero
    Seem more like a Whispero

    Juliet Rylance
    Looks cute in pants
    But is
    Too jolly hockey sticks

  27. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    These clerihews’ decline
    into defective structure and rhyme
    would receive a welcome jolt
    from the likes of Ranjit Bolt.

  28. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Libby Purves
    is providing solid service:
    one wouldn’t call her writing stale
    as successor to Benedict Nightingale.

  29. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Michael Coveney’s
    seldom slovenly,
    but no-one’s neater
    than John Peter.

  30. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    (That last rhyme would’ve been a hairy ‘un
    If Peter hadn’t chamged his name from his native Hungarian.)

  31. David Cottis Says:

    Ed Hall
    Isn’t bad at all,
    But the book ‘My Struggle’ by him
    Would be slim.

  32. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Ed Hall
    surprised us all
    when the board gave favourable ear ter
    his application to run Hampstead Theatre.

  33. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Josie Rourke
    hates in-show talk:
    she likes a bit of shush
    at the Bush.

  34. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Quentin Letts
    often gets
    about swearing.

  35. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Dominic Dromgoole
    is nobody’s fool:
    Shakespeare’ Globe didn’t burn
    on “Henry VIII”‘s return.

  36. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Timothy Sheader
    is beginning to look like a leader:
    his reputation’s irreducible
    after his revival of The Crucible.

  37. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Joyce McMillan
    is always willin’
    to go huntin’
    for a decent show at out-of-the-way venues such as the Brunton.

  38. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Andrew Haydon
    shouldn’t have stayed on
    at the Old Vic,
    where the shows made him sick:
    he found the Bridge Project an odd slog
    as detailed on his Postcards From The Gods blog.

  39. Ian Shuttleworth Says:


    The Comedy Of Errors
    holds few directorial terrors,
    but sometimes this revival by Philip Franks

  40. The Lady Says:

    dame judy dench
    would probably clench
    her lips even tighter
    if air kissed by sir nicholas hytner

    dame maggie smith
    will one day fall off of a cliff
    so prophesied nostradamus
    in a rather wild attempt to alarm us

  41. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    But Jeff Goldblum
    Fell to his doom
    So ’twas said
    Till proved undead.

  42. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Jeff Goldblum
    will be stuck in an old room,
    filling his time in
    before his first entrance in a play by Neil Simon.

  43. Lord Andrew Lloyds Slipper Sniffer Says:

    I tell you what – I’m sacking my lyricists. This just needs an overture and a theatre in the Strand.

  44. ms.marple investigates Says:

    Simon Gray
    Never really went away
    ‘The Late Middle Classes’
    means Donmar seats full of arses

    Roy Willi
    ams or won’t he
    make the play the thing
    turning the Court into a boxing ring

    Stephen Dillane
    Can still be urbane
    His Jaques no mistake, channeling Zimmerman
    Means a raincheck on collecting his Zimmer, man

  45. David Cottis Says:

    Quentin Letts
    Never forgets
    That homophobic one-liners can’t fail
    With readers of the Daily Mail

  46. Someone called Andrew (no relation)emailed in this one:

    Simon Russell Beale
    Must frequently feel
    That his cup overunneth
    While he’s flavour of the munneth.

    Rather good.

  47. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Christopher Biggins
    Will never play Henry Higgins.
    But as National Treasure, loud and hearty
    He’ll turn up for your opening night party.

  48. Nice of Sam Mendes
    To lend his
    Weight to As You Like It – laudable.
    Although Stephen Dillane was inaudible.

  49. Betsy Says:

    Dominic Cooke
    Doesn’t always look
    Beyond those he seduces
    For the plays he produces

  50. Betsy Says:

    Graham Whybrow
    Had a taste for the highbrow
    And plays about the lower classes
    And fucking their arses.

  51. Betsy Says:

    And Max Stafford Clark
    Works and plays in the dark
    Clever fella
    Snagging Stella…

  52. David Cottis Says:

    John Caird
    Has just prepared
    A book on directing. Rule number One:
    ‘Stand next to Trevor Nunn’.

  53. The Whitehall Farce
    is long since past,
    Its humour laid to rest-a
    But try telling that to the Lord Mayor of Leicster.

  54. Betsy Says:

    David Hare
    Stripped naked. He couldn’t bear
    Not to see how far he
    Could take it with Nicole

  55. Betsy Says:

    David Hare
    Can’t bear
    Not to see his plays on the National Stage even if they’re shite. Ner-
    Vously the staff watch him yelling at Nick Hytner

  56. Lord Andrew Lloyds Slipper Sniffer Says:

    Peter Carter-Ruck
    (Dead now, just his luck)
    Would have grinned for ages
    At these libellous outrages

  57. Betsy Says:

    Neil LaBute
    Would feel acute
    Embarrassment, I assume
    Appearing on stage in his swimming costume.

  58. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Brian Blessed
    “Everest I did survive,
    I’ll still be booming ‘Gordon’s alive!'”

  59. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Paul Taylor
    is sometimes a wailer
    but sometimes much droller:
    he’s bipolar.

  60. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    Alfred Hickling
    doesn’t go in for dime-and-nickelling:
    Stars? It’ll get at least a fourth
    if it’s from the north…

    Unless it’s by Slung Low,
    when even the third star will go,
    leaving Alan Lane
    in pain.

  61. Ian Shuttleworth Says:

    And since I’m now in Berlin:

    Frank Castorf
    has passed orf
    many a classic rewrite
    as radical when it’s really just shite.

    Thomas Ostermeier
    could hardly aim higher:
    sooner or later, and usually sooner,
    everyone goes to the Schaubühne.

    I’m telling no porkie
    that the Deutsches Theater and the Maxim Gorki
    appear to be closed for the summer…

  62. Job Says:

    Saint Trevvie the Nunn
    Had a pretty good run
    Through being a hack
    For Cameron Mack

  63. Lord Andrew Lloyds Slipper Sniffer Says:

    Cameron Mack
    Under Attack!
    “Miz 25? Merde!”
    (But you know what? Nunn Caird.)

  64. Job Says:

    Sir Trevor
    Said ‘I never
    Hit a snag I cannot solve
    With a revolve’

  65. Betsy Says:

    In fact, Sir Trevor Nunn
    Is contemplating a production
    Of ‘Waiting for Godot’ that will involve
    Dancing tramps, Lucky singing, and, yes, a (stuck!) revolve.

  66. Betsy Says:

    Peter Brook
    England for the Bouffes du Nord
    Where the faithful get just a little bit bored.

  67. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Harold Pinter
    Died in winter.
    His final pause
    Just before Santa Claus.

  68. Betsy Says:

    Canny Bill Kenwright
    Rarely hires a playwright.
    He hedges his bets..
    Classics, famous actors, and cardboard sets.

  69. Betsy Says:

    Ian Shutters’
    Mind is in the gutters,
    Again. But who’d’ve thought poor
    Fiona Shaw…

  70. Betsy Says:

    Meanwhile, Katie Mitchell is fiddling
    With more of her video-diddling
    Someone should enlighten her
    No-one cares, save Nick Hytner

  71. Matt Trueman Says:

    Polly Stenham
    Reserved all her venom
    For a Royal Court palaver
    ‘Bout her mother and father.

    When the Treadaway guys
    Clad only in Ys
    Licked each other clean of mustard
    Royal Court-goers left flustered

    The BAC
    Would be
    No good
    In another neighbourhood

    The RSC
    Might get things done
    In NW1

    You’d think Henrik Ibsen
    Thought he had dibs on
    Ending a plot
    With an unseen gunshot

  72. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Mike Bartlett
    Made a good start, yet
    With a title seeking to shock,
    Did impress when he showed us his Cock.

  73. Job Says:

    Nicholas de Jongh
    Has gongh
    To spend his dotage
    in a cot(t)age

  74. Phil (a west end whinger) Says:

    Nicholas De Jongh
    Surely smelt a pong
    If he hung round the lavvies
    Researching Gielgud and his navvies.

  75. ms.marple investigates Says:

    Mark Rylance
    Had the audience eating out of his hands
    With his grandstanding ‘La Bete’
    And hasn’t stopped talking yet

  76. Max Says:

    Penelope Keith
    Bears a funeral wreath
    In pain at how actors relinquish
    The old-fashioned charm of Queen’s English.

  77. Job Says:

    “Martin McDonagh
    ‘s a goner”
    Signed the estate of J M Synge
    (Tarantino wing)

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