Review – A Delicate Balance, Almeida Theatre

Dear Mr Albee,

Dr Andrew and Dr Phil dropped in at the Almeida surgery recently. They administered detailed examinations to the troubled men and womenfolk of your 1966 play without even taking recourse to insert the Whingers’ Patented Rectal Thermometer. We’re afraid we have bad news for you, the prognoses are not at all promising. Here are our findings:

Agnes: Bears a close resemblance to Penelope Wilton despite expressing a desire to look like Fanny Cradock. We noted that Agnes wears slacks which are a trifle on the snug side and could lead to poor circulation. She displays signs of underlying stress trying to keep A Delicate Balance in the family home, especially with her difficult, acerbic sister Claire as a permanent houseguest. She lost a young son many years ago*. Some may believe that repressing her feelings and her subdued disposition are commendable, but we suggest she needs to let herself go and display more vim. We also noted heavy drinking and smoking. Problems may go far deeper as she made a passing reference to her pudenda. We will be looking into this in due course.

Prescribe: *A long chat with Martha. Elasticated waists, Vimto and vajazzling.

Tobias: Bears a close resemblance to Tim Pigott-Smith. Prone to dullness probably due to living with his wife Agnes or the script. A heavy drinker who also encourages others to imbibe, particularly his sister-in-law Claire, though this is perfectly understandable with 3 Acts and 2 intervals to stagger through. Pouring so many drinks may lead to RSI. Tends to ramble at length when telling stories about cats. Potential feline allergy. Also liable to fiddling with himself when wearing a dressing gown.

Prescribe: A dog, a pocketless dressing gown and gloves or a copy of Nuts magazine.

Claire: Bears a close resemblance to Imelda Staunton. Smokes cigarettes and cigars. Clearly an alcoholic, or “a alcoholic” as she insists. Denies being both alcoholic and ungrammatical. Now, as doctors we like a drink ourselves and all that, but before breakfast? Her desire to purchase a topless swimsuit hints at exhibitionism. Finger and vocal co-ordination seemed perfectly sound as she demonstrated an ability to yodel and play the accordion simultaneously. May have delusional tendencies, believes she is actually appearing in a John Doyle production.

Prescribe: Longman’s Grammar of Spoken and Written English, a fry-up and ukulele lessons.

Julia: An early resemblance to Lucy Cohu proved misleading. Her true desire is to emulate Liz Taylor both physically and emotionally. Severely stressed having just finished her fourth marriage at the age of 36. Her biological clock’s ticking is deafeningly loud. The family gene which leads to heavy drinking and smoking is clearly strong. Returning to mummy and daddy (Agnes and Tobias) suggests she is regressing to her childhood. Needs to grow up. Prone to sulking, tantrums, hysteria, homicidal thoughts and baby-doll pyjamas.

Prescribe: Speed-dating and a good slap.

Edna and Harry: We examined this couple separately but concluded they appear to suffer from the same malaise. A tendency to drop in on their old friends Agnes and Tobias unannounced without any desire to leave. Inherently needy. They claim, rather enigmatically, to suffer from “fear” and “terror” though our diagnosis differs. Our initial conclusion was that Edna and Harry may have exchanged fluids with Samuel Beckett. Deeper analysis of the symptoms suggest this may be early signs of existentialism or, much worse, tertiary Pinter-itis. Symptoms of contagion already appearing in the family they impose upon.

Prescribe: Immediate confinement or a Saga cruise.

Professional Opinion

Interminable, dull, a certain cure for insomnia.

Second Opinion

Interminable, dull, a certain cure for insomnia.