A Big Bird Told Us…

Wednesday 1 April 2015
As you will no doubt know we’re not normally ones for idle chit chat and speculation. But we’ve been told, on very good authority, about a new musical which may be coming to London’s glittering West End erelong.
We were originally sworn to secrecy, then informed in a deliciously conspiratorial tone, “Oh, ok then, you can repeat this, but just don’t say who it was who told you”. So see this as something of a Whinger scoop. Baz Bamigboye will be frothing.

Several very secret workshops have already taken place in various venues around London – with invited guests sworn to secrecy – of a new Tony Hatch show which charts the life of iconic Norfolk poultry magnate Bernard Matthews. It is to be called after Matthews’ famous TV ad catchphrase, “Bootiful”.
Expect confusion in London’s glittering West End before the year is out. That’s assuming that the Carole King musical Beautiful is still running and we have no reason to believe it won’t be..
will follow Matthews’ rise from livestock auctioneer to his purchase of the dilapidated JacobeanBernard-Matthews-011 Great Witchingham Hall where he hatched turkeys in the dining room, reared them in the bedrooms and slaughtered them in the kitchen which led to him becoming a multi-millionaire.
Highlights will include the 2007 H5N1 outbreak at his factory (which led to him asking for the investiture of his CVO to be postponed) and his 1964 meeting with Nikita Khrushchev to discuss the modernisation of the Russian poultry industry which culminates in the showstopper “Nikita, I’ll Tell You What’s Wrong”.
Vicky Featherstone is tipped to be taking time off from the Royal Court to direct the musical which is said to also include puppetry and songs such as “Norfolk Noshing”, “Mother Pluckers”, “Gobbled Off”, “Parson Knows (Wing and a Prayer)”, “Who Wants Stuffing?” and “Can You Hear the Drumsticks for Nandos?”
Our indiscreet mole was not allowed to take notes at the workshop but could remember one lyric which they believe was from the number “Are You Sure Bernard?”

Very flat, Norfolk
Chicks raised here to die
But you might find your neighbour
Is fluffy Stephen Fry.
We can’t wait. We’d love it star Michael Ball who is said to be “interested if he can master the Norfolk accent”, we suggest reuniting him with Imelda Staunton as Mrs M. And how about a Strallen as one of the Matthews’ daughters? If the right stars and venue can be found it could become a cult show.
Let’s not call it a turkey just yet.
To get you in the mood here’s one of his classic ads from 1985

5 Responses to “A Big Bird Told Us…”

  1. John Stanley Says:

    And a Happy April First to you too, from an American fan where it’s still March.

  2. dhvinyl Says:

    This story will self-destruct at noon, so I’m happy to have read it when I did.

  3. margarita Says:

    Too bad I read it after noon as I would have added the rumour that it’s to be performed in three versions, the other two being Kosher & Halal.

  4. Christina Fraser Says:

    Cripes, it took a while to realise this was a great big turkey. Congrats on (almost) pulling it off …. Xtina



  5. Barbara Says:

    And it’s April 2 for me in New Zealand so it took time for the penny to drop. Droll though!

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