Elephants for everyone! (except the Whingers and other “friends”)

Regular readers will know that although the Whingers are technically “friends” of the Donmar Warehouse, it’s a friendship pretty much in name only.

Now another row is brewing to test their relationship – and this time it’s a disagreement over elephants.

Of course, the main feature of being a friend of the Donmar is the abuse you have to endure to maintain your friendship.

Not wanting to rock the boat, the Whingers booked for the forthcoming Absurdia in March as instructed but now an email has arrived entreating Phil to “book by the 25 July and claim your very own elephant”.

So how come we didn’t get an elephant? With friends like the Donmar, who needs Harold Pinter?

While Andrew was sulking, Phil’s mind was working overtime on how this marketing technique might be extended to other West End Shows:

Fiddler on the Roof: Book by 25th July and claim your very own loft insulation.

Betrayal: Book by 25th July and claim your very own decree nisi.

The Last Confession: Book by 25th July and claim your very own kneepads.

The Little Shop of Horrors: Book by 25th July and claim your very own Fisons weed killer.

The Rose Tattoo: Book by 25th July and claim your very own ” I heart Nicholas Hytner” tattoo.

Gaslight: Book by 25th July and claim your very own dimmer switch.

Saint Joan: Book by 25th July and claim your very own toasting fork.

The 39 Steps: Book by 25th July and claim your very own Stannah Stairlift.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat: Book by 25th July tonight and appear in the production yourself. But only if you’re already a professional actor and already toured in the show.

Boeing Boeing: Book by midnight tonight and pay only the theatre taxes.

The Lord of the Rings: Book by 25th July and claim anything you want in the world. We’re desperate. You’ll probably be the only person in the theatre mind.