No theatre today. Too hot. No footballs.
Time to play theatrical clerihews instead.
Charles Spencer
Could probably be in MENSA
But his genius is hidden
Behind a pun he once made about Nicole Kidman.
–
Nicholas De Jongh
Was wrong
To sit in theatres semi-attired.
Thank heavens he retired.
–
Mark Shenton
Is hell bent on
Seeing every musical.
But that’s hardly news at all.
–
Of Jenny Seagrove
It’s said that she strove
To marry Bill Kenwright
So she could have another hen night.
–
Rupert Goold
Pulled
Kate Fleetwood
Because he could.
–
Och, Henry Hitchings’
Endless bitching
Would be funny.
Except he doesnae.
–
Sarah Hemming
Can be rhymed with anything.
But of rhymes for Ian Shuttleworth
There’s a Cyclopean subtle dearth.
Your turn.
A West End Whinger 
Monday 28 June 2010 at 6:50 pm
Michael Billington
Is in the Guard-ing-ton
Seeking plays with social meaning
Particularly if they’re left leaning
Monday 28 June 2010 at 7:16 pm
And I imagine Lyn Gardner
And her partner
Own curtains that would make me cringe
Having altogether too much fringe.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 7:04 pm
Paradise Found
Just fails to astound.
You know what I’m thinkin’?
Yes. Mandy Patinkin.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 7:13 pm
Very good although if we’re being pedantic the name of the person traditionally comes in the first line.
Mandy Patinkin
Clearly wasn’t thinkin’
When he got himself bound
Up in Paradise Found.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 7:55 pm
ok we’ll share that one! 😉
Monday 28 June 2010 at 7:51 pm
Felicity Kendal
Chose to suspend all
Ambition of career progression.
She did Mrs Warren’s Profession.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 8:32 pm
Tim Rice
Some advice
If you’d been at Andrew’s side
Paint might have dried.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 8:56 pm
Tim Walker
‘s pronounced many a corker
But surely no crit above par would
So idolise Ronald Harwood.
Simon McBurney
Will shortly return; he
Has a technical army
For his adaptation from Haruki Murakami.
Andrew Upton
May find it corruptin’
that when he gets work by the avalanche, it
‘s because he’s Mr Cate Blanchett.
Nicholas Hytner
tries to put a frightener
on Dead White Males
but fails.
Rupert Goold
has been overruled:
for Headlong’s next classical revival he’d like
to put Kleist on a bike.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 11:09 pm
Robert le Page
Likes ‘avin it large.
That’s why his plays
Go on for days.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 11:27 pm
Many uncles and aunts
Would jump at the chance
To cop a feel
Of Simon Russell Beale.
Monday 28 June 2010 at 11:57 pm
Fiona Shaw
likes nothing more
than to plou–
no, I can’t.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 8:08 am
Nigel Havers’
Career wavers
Who’d a thought
He’d play a Corrie escort?
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 8:12 am
Kevin Spacey
Has a face we
All know from the big screen
Or if we dogwalk on the park green.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 9:19 am
Oh bravo that man, bravo!
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 10:19 am
Noel Coward and Terence Rattigan
According to ‘1956 and All That’ by Rebellato, Dan,
Are just two of the many gays
Who wrote well-made plays.
Friday 20 August 2010 at 10:18 am
Actually, just thought of a better version:
Dan Rebellato
Wrote a book that quotes Jacques Derrida to
Argue that the well-made play
Was gay.
Sunday 22 August 2010 at 9:23 am
V. Funny BTW.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 1:08 pm
Rosamund Pike
Is someone people like
To look at; but her acting
Is less attracting.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 1:22 pm
Michael Grandage
Choked on his sandwich
Losing all decorum
On first setting eyes on Christopher Oram.
–
Had Michael Billington
Lived at 12 Rillington
Place the results would have been no less gorier
As he would have been anyway out all day in various auditoria.
–
Nica Burns
Earns
So many pound coins from her restoration levy
That her cardigan pockets get rather heavy.
–
David Babani’s
Chile con carne’s
Reputedly very hot.
Paradise Found was not.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 1:48 pm
Mark Rylance’s
Acting stances
Win constant plaudits
While Sonia Friedman audits.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 1:56 pm
Oh Matthew Warchus
‘e do like a bit of raucous
‘specially if it’s very posh
‘n there’s plenty of dosh
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 2:02 pm
Dame Julie Andrews
Had fans in the O2’s
Arena, till Simeon’s Gift
Caused them to drift.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 5:18 pm
The West End Whingers
Are well-known bingers.
They watch crappy theatre almost every night
No wonder they get wound up and roll home very tight.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 5:35 pm
David Babani
He sure kissed the Blarney
Stone. He’s cracked Broadway
But his Menier actors he don’t pay
…very much
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 5:36 pm
Shirley Jones
Struggled through “76 Trombones”
At the Arts, though whilst hardly geriatric
Her mistake was to bring along Patrick.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 5:43 pm
La Bete scribe, David Hirson
(For verse the only person)
Knows now there’s competition
From the Whingers cleri-dition
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 5:47 pm
Maria Friedman
Will sing Steve like you need, man
And if you stay past the interval
You might catch some Bryn Terfel
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 7:52 pm
Meera Syal
Was best by a mile
At keeping it real
Whilst cooking a meal.
Tuesday 29 June 2010 at 10:12 pm
Katie Mitchell
Wonders which she’ll
Do next
Video or text?
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 7:46 am
Certain members of the Royal Shakespeare Company
Are rumoured to be ready to hump any
Man, woman or goat that’s available. And what’s worse,
They’ll do it while reciting blank verse.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 8:52 am
Stephen Dillane
‘s throat is clearly in pain
making his Prospero
Seem more like a Whispero
Juliet Rylance
Looks cute in pants
But is
Too jolly hockey sticks
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 10:50 am
These clerihews’ decline
into defective structure and rhyme
would receive a welcome jolt
from the likes of Ranjit Bolt.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 10:57 am
Libby Purves
is providing solid service:
one wouldn’t call her writing stale
as successor to Benedict Nightingale.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:41 am
Was Libby Purves
Nervous
Of what it might entail,
To follow in the footsteps of Benedict Nightingale?
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 10:59 am
Michael Coveney’s
seldom slovenly,
but no-one’s neater
than John Peter.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:00 am
(That last rhyme would’ve been a hairy ‘un
If Peter hadn’t chamged his name from his native Hungarian.)
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:01 am
Ed Hall
Isn’t bad at all,
But the book ‘My Struggle’ by him
Would be slim.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:37 am
This made me hoot.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:05 am
Ed Hall
surprised us all
when the board gave favourable ear ter
his application to run Hampstead Theatre.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:49 am
Ed Hall as A.D.!
Well let’s hope that he
Can tell, though,
A farce from his elbow.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 12:19 pm
He can’t fail to make a mark
After the reign of Anthony Clark,
who didn’t maintain the artistic wattage
at Swiss Cottage.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:06 am
Josie Rourke
hates in-show talk:
she likes a bit of shush
at the Bush.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:10 am
Quentin Letts
often gets
overbearing
about swearing.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:13 am
Dominic Dromgoole
is nobody’s fool:
Shakespeare’ Globe didn’t burn
on “Henry VIII”‘s return.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:17 am
Timothy Sheader
is beginning to look like a leader:
his reputation’s irreducible
after his revival of The Crucible.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:19 am
Joyce McMillan
is always willin’
to go huntin’
for a decent show at out-of-the-way venues such as the Brunton.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:22 am
Andrew Haydon
shouldn’t have stayed on
at the Old Vic,
where the shows made him sick:
he found the Bridge Project an odd slog
as detailed on his Postcards From The Gods blog.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 11:27 am
Clerihew
Review:
The Comedy Of Errors
holds few directorial terrors,
but sometimes this revival by Philip Franks
clanks.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 12:28 pm
dame judy dench
would probably clench
her lips even tighter
if air kissed by sir nicholas hytner
dame maggie smith
will one day fall off of a cliff
so prophesied nostradamus
in a rather wild attempt to alarm us
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 1:57 pm
But Jeff Goldblum
Fell to his doom
So ’twas said
Till proved undead.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 2:43 pm
Jeff Goldblum
will be stuck in an old room,
filling his time in
before his first entrance in a play by Neil Simon.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 3:09 pm
I tell you what – I’m sacking my lyricists. This just needs an overture and a theatre in the Strand.
Wednesday 30 June 2010 at 3:15 pm
Simon Gray
Never really went away
‘The Late Middle Classes’
means Donmar seats full of arses
Roy Willi
ams or won’t he
make the play the thing
turning the Court into a boxing ring
Stephen Dillane
Can still be urbane
His Jaques no mistake, channeling Zimmerman
Means a raincheck on collecting his Zimmer, man
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 12:26 am
Quentin Letts
Never forgets
That homophobic one-liners can’t fail
With readers of the Daily Mail
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 7:19 am
Someone called Andrew (no relation)emailed in this one:
Simon Russell Beale
Must frequently feel
That his cup overunneth
While he’s flavour of the munneth.
Rather good.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 8:02 am
Christopher Biggins
Will never play Henry Higgins.
But as National Treasure, loud and hearty
He’ll turn up for your opening night party.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 10:27 am
My Fat Laddy?
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 11:21 am
Suggested second couplet:
But as long as he’s alive, he
‘ll be at your party at the Ivy.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 8:09 am
Nice of Sam Mendes
To lend his
Weight to As You Like It – laudable.
Although Stephen Dillane was inaudible.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 10:58 am
Dominic Cooke
Doesn’t always look
Beyond those he seduces
For the plays he produces
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 11:23 am
Oh, he frequently takes an amble
past Alexi Kaye Campbell;
Sometimes he’ll even debble
with the likes of Lucy Prebble.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 11:49 am
Graham Whybrow
Had a taste for the highbrow
And plays about the lower classes
And fucking their arses.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 11:54 am
And Max Stafford Clark
Works and plays in the dark
Clever fella
Snagging Stella…
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 11:56 am
John Caird
Has just prepared
A book on directing. Rule number One:
‘Stand next to Trevor Nunn’.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 12:05 pm
lol.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 11:57 am
The Whitehall Farce
is long since past,
Its humour laid to rest-a
But try telling that to the Lord Mayor of Leicster.
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 12:11 pm
David Hare
Stripped naked. He couldn’t bear
Not to see how far he
Could take it with Nicole
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 12:18 pm
David Hare
Can’t bear
Not to see his plays on the National Stage even if they’re shite. Ner-
Vously the staff watch him yelling at Nick Hytner
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 2:16 pm
Peter Carter-Ruck
(Dead now, just his luck)
Would have grinned for ages
At these libellous outrages
Thursday 1 July 2010 at 3:15 pm
Neil LaBute
Would feel acute
Embarrassment, I assume
Appearing on stage in his swimming costume.
Friday 2 July 2010 at 8:08 am
Brian Blessed
Confess-ed
“Everest I did survive,
I’ll still be booming ‘Gordon’s alive!'”
Friday 2 July 2010 at 9:46 am
He’s a bigger ham
Than Pam.
Friday 2 July 2010 at 9:48 am
Paul Taylor
is sometimes a wailer
but sometimes much droller:
he’s bipolar.
Friday 2 July 2010 at 9:52 am
Alfred Hickling
doesn’t go in for dime-and-nickelling:
Stars? It’ll get at least a fourth
if it’s from the north…
Unless it’s by Slung Low,
when even the third star will go,
leaving Alan Lane
in pain.
Friday 2 July 2010 at 9:57 am
And since I’m now in Berlin:
Frank Castorf
has passed orf
many a classic rewrite
as radical when it’s really just shite.
Thomas Ostermeier
could hardly aim higher:
sooner or later, and usually sooner,
everyone goes to the Schaubühne.
I’m telling no porkie
that the Deutsches Theater and the Maxim Gorki
appear to be closed for the summer…
bummer.
Friday 2 July 2010 at 10:36 am
Saint Trevvie the Nunn
Had a pretty good run
Through being a hack
For Cameron Mack
Friday 2 July 2010 at 6:58 pm
Cameron Mack
Under Attack!
“Miz 25? Merde!”
(But you know what? Nunn Caird.)
Friday 2 July 2010 at 9:55 pm
Sir Trevor
Said ‘I never
Hit a snag I cannot solve
With a revolve’
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 12:03 am
In fact, Sir Trevor Nunn
Is contemplating a production
Of ‘Waiting for Godot’ that will involve
Dancing tramps, Lucky singing, and, yes, a (stuck!) revolve.
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 12:13 am
Peter Brook
Forsook
England for the Bouffes du Nord
Where the faithful get just a little bit bored.
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 11:51 am
Harold Pinter
Died in winter.
His final pause
Just before Santa Claus.
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 12:01 pm
Gray and Bates
Pinter’s mates
(Beat)
him to it
So I guess Hal blew it.
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 12:46 pm
Canny Bill Kenwright
Rarely hires a playwright.
He hedges his bets..
Classics, famous actors, and cardboard sets.
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 1:06 pm
Ian Shutters’
Mind is in the gutters,
Again. But who’d’ve thought poor
Fiona Shaw…
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 6:12 pm
Meanwhile, Katie Mitchell is fiddling
With more of her video-diddling
Someone should enlighten her
No-one cares, save Nick Hytner
Saturday 3 July 2010 at 11:10 pm
Polly Stenham
Reserved all her venom
For a Royal Court palaver
‘Bout her mother and father.
When the Treadaway guys
Clad only in Ys
Licked each other clean of mustard
Royal Court-goers left flustered
The BAC
Would be
No good
In another neighbourhood
The RSC
Contrarily
Might get things done
In NW1
You’d think Henrik Ibsen
Thought he had dibs on
Ending a plot
With an unseen gunshot
Sunday 4 July 2010 at 8:39 am
Mike Bartlett
Made a good start, yet
With a title seeking to shock,
Did impress when he showed us his Cock.
Wednesday 7 July 2010 at 8:44 pm
Nicholas de Jongh
Has gongh
To spend his dotage
in a cot(t)age
Thursday 8 July 2010 at 12:54 pm
Nicholas De Jongh
Surely smelt a pong
If he hung round the lavvies
Researching Gielgud and his navvies.
Thursday 8 July 2010 at 4:15 pm
Mark Rylance
Had the audience eating out of his hands
With his grandstanding ‘La Bete’
And hasn’t stopped talking yet
Thursday 22 July 2010 at 1:51 pm
Penelope Keith
Bears a funeral wreath
In pain at how actors relinquish
The old-fashioned charm of Queen’s English.
Sunday 22 August 2010 at 1:35 pm
“Martin McDonagh
‘s a goner”
Signed the estate of J M Synge
(Tarantino wing)